Harry Potter and the NonHalf Blood Prince
by SaKuRa ThE mEsSeD uP kId
Summary: This is my version of the HBP. But don't worry! Nothing you'll read here will actually happen!


Hey everybody! I'm back! And guess what? I'm not dead alter all! Ok, it's been a long. time since the last time I wrote a thing, so let me explain what's been going on...

My parents's vacations are over. They have to go to work again now. So I'm stuck at my grandma's . No internet. No computer. Hell.

I will be starting school anytime now (High School, baby!), so I won't have too much time to be bored and write anymore. Sorry!

This will be my very first attempt at a PG fic (gotta remember that one). Hurray!

All of my other fics (except for What Happens at Hogwarts When Sakura's Bored, if you haven't read it, READ it) got deleted. I don't even know exactly what rule I broke this time! I'm starting to think someone in this site has it in for me... If you're reading this: (INSERT BAD WORD HERE) YOU!!! Stupid PG fic... I'LL GET YOU NEXT TIME!!!

So, without further ado, I give you: Harry Potter and the Non-Half Blood Prince! (Stupid title, I know. Thought it up at 3a.m., so give me some credit!)

Harry got up at 1 p.m. in the afternoon. Today was his 16th birthday, so his Aunt and Uncle showered him with presents. Ever since Aunt Marge had mistaken Dudley for a pig and ate him, Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon had gotten so insane they actually thought Harry was their All Mighty Ruler and (almost) Godly Son. Well, Uncle Vernon did, anyway. Aunt Petunia thought she was a chicken.

"Oh, your Excellency Harry Potter, sir! I hope this gazillion presents please you, son! Please spare our lives!" Uncle Vernon said for the fourteenth time, a mad look in his eyes. Aunt Petunia gave a loud cluck.

"Uh... Yeah. Thanks for the presents..." Harry answered. This made Uncle Vernon cry. "Look! Petunia! He is thanking us! We have done a good job in our offering this time. Perhaps now he will rid us of the plague!"

That was new, Harry thought, but before he had a chance to ask an owl came in with a letter for him. This made Uncle Vernon nearly wet his pants in excitement.

"Oh! It's a bird! An offering from the All Mighty Harry Potter! We shall cook it into the most delicious bird soup and eat it for dinner!"

Harry knew Uncle Vernon couldn't catch the owl with his bare hands, so he gave it little importance. But when he ran into the basement and returned ten seconds later with a rifle in his hand and a funny looking hunter's hat he found in the garbage five weeks ago, he decided to just take the letter and let the owl escape before Uncle Vernon tried to shoot it.

Harry opened the letter and discovered it was from Hogwarts. They were his O.W.L. results. He had managed to fail all of them with the exception of Divination, but it said that since he was the Boy-Who-Lived, he could take his N.E.W.T. lessons anyway. Attached to the letter was a note from Professor Snape that said 'Fifty points from Gryffindor'.

Well, this was a surprise, Harry thought to himself as he read this. He had thought that he had at least managed an Acceptable in most of his O.W.L.s, and a definite Outstanding in Defense Against the Dark Arts. He could not be farther from the truth. In fact, his Defense Against the Dark Arts O.W.L. had the worst grade of all. He received a Z.

About an hour later, Harry was out of the Dursley's home. A freaked out neighbor called the police after she discovered that Aunt Petunia was nesting on her backyard. When the authorities came, they decided the two adults were on no condition to live alone, much less take care of a teenager, so they sent them away to the nut house, "where they will happily spend the rest of their lives tied up to their beds" as Harry heard one of the policemen say. They had asked Harry if he had a place to go to, so he quickly answered 'yes' and went to his room to send an owl to the Weasleys. They came for him about five minutes later, happy as always to have someone that didn't smell like old stuff staying in their house. This was always cute the first few days, especially when they fought over who was going to smell his shirt next, but it got boring real fast.

"Please, Harry, may I smell your shirt? Just this once?" Ron said for the hundredth time that week. Harry was too tired to say no, but he wasn't about to give up yet, so he shook his head. "Oh, come on! Can't I at least lick it?"

After two horrible weeks protecting his shirts from the Weasley family, Hermione came. This was good, because now the Weasleys had a new person to smell, but it also had its disadvantages. Hermione was a real bookworm, and after sixteen years of reading, she had finally cracked. She now had this crazy plan of changing her name to J.K. Rowling and publish her own books- about Harry's life. This was really annoying, especially at the beginning of each year.

"Hmm... I think I will call this one 'Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince', but here's the catch! Neither Harry nor Voldemort will be the Prince! It will be a completely different person! What do you think, Harry?" she asked. But before Harry could answer, she continued. "Yes, that's it. 'Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince'. That's an excellent name! So you'd better find someone that fits that description quick, Harry, 'cause I'm not changing it."

Harry had given up on trying to persuade Hermione to get a life months ago, so he simply mumbled a 'yes, ma'am' and went on with his life. Meanwhile, Hermione took out some quill and parchment and began to write her book.

Well, this is it for now. I dunno when I'll have time to update (heck, I'm surprised that I actually had time for this), but I sure hope it's soon! Oh, and if you liked this story (it's not too funny, I know) you have two options: either review or wish me good luck with my tenth grade. That is all. 'Till next time! ; )


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